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Marquette Irish bar nomenclature perturbs those of non-Irish heritage

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

Murphy’s. Caffrey’s. Haggerty’s. Yes, even the Harp and Shamrock. Besides being area drinking establishments frequented by Marquette students, these bars share another more sinister characteristic.

An exclusive months-long investigation by The Warrior suggests that all these businesses have names with Irish roots and collude to keep out competitors with more culturally inclusive atmospheres. Although most students remain oblivious to this implicit privileging of Irishness over other ethnicities, some have begun to question the status quo and their role in perpetuating Irish cultural domination, although they would speak to The Warrior only on the condition of anonymity.

For these dissidents, their heightened consciousness seems to stem from the festivities associated with St. Patrick’s Day. This day arguably commemorates the patron saint of Ireland who battled snakes as he spread Christianity throughout the Emerald Isle in the fifth century, but it has become a much-beloved occasion for parades, parties, and especially drinking. As one student put it, though, “When I was on campus celebrating St. Patty’s Day because I had nowhere else to go for spring break, I suddenly felt convicted of the insidious nature of this holiday. Here I was in an Irish-sounding bar surrounded by people wearing green, pretending to blend in, to ‘be Irish’ as it were. But I’m not. I’m mostly Bulgarian with some Liechtensteiner blood. I felt the ancestors shaking their heads in disgust.”

This assumption of universal Irishness, implicit in the bar names and St. Patrick’s Day, harms those who come from other backgrounds. In describing the psychological effects of this, a student of Czech ancestry observed, “It’s not that I need to have my Czechness affirmed every Thursday night or anything like that, or need a bar called Svoboda’s, but the total absence of my heritage within Marquette’s drinking culture hurts. I will always remember the scorn and almost disgust expressed by a bartender at one in the morning one time when I suggested major celebrations for St. Wenceslas Day [September 28, patron saint of the Czechs].” Given the number of national heritages represented at Marquette, it does seem striking that only Irishness is so privileged.

Of course, the obvious counterargument stresses the proud Irish Catholic heritage of many, perhaps even most, Marquette students and views the Irish struggle for freedom from Britain and the Irish-American battle for equal treatment in America as inspiring examples for us all. Perhaps, according the pro-Irish faction, we’re all Irish now.

Yet those who favor diversity with their drink refuse to buy into Marquette’s universal Irishness. “Just because we applied to Notre Dame as our first choice school and wear green to avoid getting physically assaulted on March 17 does not make us Irish,” complained one frequent patron of Marquette’s Irish bars, a graduate student with some Japanese and Texan heritage. Those who come from cultures without their own patron saints or religious traditions which reject specific saints describe an even starker reality. “Even if the bars opened their doors to modernity and inclusion by celebrating every patron saint’s day, I would still be left out because I am an atheist,” one student said while furtively glancing around.

These underground activists against the Irishness of our world seem unsure of their next step in what promises to be a long and painful battle for the soul of the Marquette community. Yet they remain determined to resist the Irish dominance underlying the area’s night life. As the first student quoted above remarked, “I don’t know how to rectify this injustice, but mark my words. It’s going down on October 19, St. John of Rila’s Day [commemorating patron saint of Bulgaria]. Bulgarians of Marquette, unite!”

Oddly enough, neither he nor any other student interviewed for this piece proposed a boycott of the campus bar scene, and they were eager to distance themselves from any suggestion of this and put down those groups which abstain from alcohol. This exclusion of certain groups from the inclusion campaign itself perhaps shows just how difficult Marquette’s long walk to freedom will be. As the graduate student put it, “Do I look Amish, Mormon, or Muslim to you?” No, indeed, he did not.

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Orphan Facebook photos now required for service learning credit abroad

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

Marquette’s Office of International Education (OIE) announced Monday that they will no longer accept credit for university service learning programs in Africa, South America or any other under resourced continent unless trip participants post at least ten Facebook albums documenting multiple emotional experiences between themselves and orphan children native to the country in which the service is taking place.

“If there’s not a smiling orphan in that photo, we can’t give a student credit,” said Mandy Grubbe, associate vice executive director in the Office of International Education. “Sure, students can fill out paperwork, and write reflections and all that, but unless they come back with at least 125 Facebook pictures, with no less than 75 percent of them showing the student hugging, kissing, cuddling or playing with an ecstatic, underprivileged orphan, we really can’t authenticate their service.”

The new policy has resulted in rush of profile pictures featuring Marquette students and the unidentified orphans they met during their service. Marquette officials says orphans of any exotic ethnicity is acceptable, but most photos hail from service learning programs in South Africa, Belize, Chile, Kenya or Ghana.

“At first the task of spontaneously lifting up children and making them smile long enough to get a photo was pretty daunting,” Stephanie Rove, a junior in the College of Communication said. “But then we figured out that if we give them enough candy and soccer balls, they’ll gladly do as many photo shoots as we want.”
Rove said before embarking on her service, she was nervous she wouldn’t be able to meet Marquette’s photo quota, but forming “snapshot” groups with other participants has been helpful.

“It’s been great to try our paparazzi-like tactics out on each other before we try them on the foreign orphans,” she said. “I mean, what a load off, now I know how to set up experiences to get the best framing and lighting to get all the photos I need and look super cool on Facebook.”

OIE has not instituted any formal requirements regarding specific orphan-service learner bonding activity in the photos, but Grubbe said students are encouraged to rotate at least five of their most touching images, as their profile pictures for the six months following their trip.

“Sometimes the photos are intimate, capturing a special moment between one student and their orphan of choice, or sometimes they show several students interacting with literally hundreds of eager, parentless children,” she said. “Either way, we need as much documentation as possible in order to verify that the Jesuit mission has indeed been advanced. And, of course, we have to keep the photos on our Web site updated.”

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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Archaeological dig finds remnants of obnoxious, demeaning gender celebration in year 2010

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

MILWAUKEE, 2237 AD- University archaeologists made a break through in a decades old dig Thursday, discovering a centuries old settlement of a Marquette society long gone. The site, which university archaeologist say will bring them unprecedented information into the way life was in the year 2010, was filled with documents, banners, photographs multimedia materials and evidence of ridiculous amounts of programming to promote “The Centennial Celebration of Women at Marquette.”

“I don’t know what the hell university officials were thinking that year,” said university Provost George Stanley. “Recognizing women as some sort of distinct type of human, calling out their “differences” and slapping them on a pedestal to celebrate one type of human group’s beginnings at Marquette, at the expense of the other human group is wildly uneducated and patriarchal, but man, it sure looks like they had a party.”

Students were equally disgusted and shocked by the ostentatious display of gender discrimination at the school, especially those in majors deemed “under-gendered” by celebrants in 2010.

“It’s like they rounded up every “female” on campus that year and forced them on to a panel to discuss their backgrounds and hopes and dreams,” said JunieYork, a senior in the College of Engineering. “I mean its kind of sad how ignorant they were back then, making such a big deal out of ‘women’ in math, science engineering and technology professions.”

Sally Toby, a junior in the College of Health Sciences echoed York and said evidence of the horribly demeaning celebration is heartbreaking.

“The oppression humans like me must have faced, with others calling out their gender differences right and left…I’m so glad we’ve finally come to a point where any sort of gender distinction is totally irrelevant.”

University spokesperson Yolanda Steinmo released a statement on the appalling discovery yesterday, “In a current age where gender and identity have been largely reconstructed to not recognize any gender differences between what was formerly referred to as “male” and “female” the fact that the university was so willing to shamelessly refer to that group of humans as somehow different in any physical, social or mental way illustrates the vast intellectual progress society has experienced over the last century.”

The Centennial Celebration discovery includes over 5000 artifacts from a variety of events on campus that year hosted by university officials. Further documentation of the morally depraved festivities includes videos, newspaper articles, pod casts, slide shows, photos and millions of inter-university memos and contracts.

“At one point it looked like administration officials were working on hiring a skywriter to write ‘Centennial
Celebration of Women at Marquette—We sure love our Ladies,’ in air space over the 50 largest metropolitan areas in the country” said Lawrence Bolly. “I mean, it’s really kind of sick.”

“All I can say is, I’m so happy to be as progressive and enlightened as I am today,” said Toby. “Marquette sure has come a long way.”

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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>>CAMPUS ROUNDUP

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

Everyone seems pretty neutral with campus food issue, Sodexho

“Yeah, it’s alright,” said some. While others claimed, “it could be a lot better with all the money I’m spending.”

Russia eliminates two time zones

In a brash move that that has human rights activists scrambling, Russia has eliminated two time zones. Russian ambassadors have declared, of the two time zones, “they knew too much.”

Train’s “Hey, Soul Sister” fails to impress at annual U.S. Theological Conference

In a rare display of complete condemnation, the United States Theological Conference was unanimously unimpressed with Train’s extrapolations on the soul. Hey, Soul Sister, an attempt by well-known theologian Train to reconcile a decades long Protestant and Catholic debate on the merits of good work, was unveiled early on during the conference. In a statement released by the Conference, “The only thing that seems to be in line with traditional church doctrine is the constant referencing to Mister Mister, who’s hit song Kyrie Kyrie (1982) has been a Lenten mainstay of the church for decades.”

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SEAC to sponsor “Native Cement Project”

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

In conjunction with their new, and wildly successful, “Native Tree Project,” Students for an Environmentally Active Campus will be sponsoring a second installment of their “Native” programming series.

Never meant to be part of a broader program, S.E.A.C.’s Native Tree Project sought to document and label all of the trees on Marquette’s campus that are native to the campus community. However, given the wildly successful nature of the program, S.E.A.C. has decided to continue dedicating itself to pointing out all things native to Marquette’s campus.

“The native cement project is designed to point out the value of good native cement to members of the Marquette University community,” said S.E.A.C. Green-Czar Brittany Williams. “With the ever growing trend to go green, we feel it is important to preserve what little is left of our precious cement reserves on MU’s campus.” According to research found by S.E.A.C., having bountiful and stable cement resources is a vital part of an environmentally conscious campus.

“Some people mis-interpret ‘going green’ as having grass growing out of the cracks in the sidewalks, but we know that it means filling them in with sustainable and earth-friendly options like cement,” commented S.E.A.C. member Rusty Carlson.

According to S.E.A.C., the cement project will document the various different types of cement located in and around campus, and place them into different categories based on weight, water run-off ability, dexterity, and most importantly, color. “When most people see cement, they just see grey rock, but when we see cement, we see a dream.”

Members of S.E.A.C. are extremely pleased with the direction the project is taking, and are hoping to do further “native” projects in the future. Williams is excited about the future of the initiative: “The Native Cement Project is just the second of many steps we are taking towards documenting every single atom of Marquette’s campus and placing it on a map. Eventually, we would like to just buy one of those printing label makers to adhesively label everything on campus.”

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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Hipsters to begin hunting and cooking campus squirrels

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

The Marquette Hipster Association (MHA) announced their newest social justice crusade Saturday: the hunting and cooking of native campus squirrels. The initiative is a part of a larger “slow food” movement which advocates eating food produced no more than ten miles from the consumer’s residence. The groups says they hope to promote squirrel meat as an organic alternative to the pre-packaged, over-processed meats typically shipped to Milwaukee from places that are outrageously far away, like Mequon.

“We’ve realized squirrel really is the most ecologically responsible meat to consume,” Molly Flayo, MHA president and senior in the College of Arts and Sciences said. “With an abundant population here on campus, it only make sense to promote their slaughter so we protect the earth and promote healthy, socially conscious eating.”

Flayo said the MHA (with OSD and DPS approval, of course) has set about 150 squirrel traps around campus. She emphasized the group’s innovation and environmental conscientiousness when determining the method of execution.

“Being socially aware and politically sensitive hipsters, our traps are biodegradable and made locally in Milwaukee, obviously,” she said. “The cupcakes we use to lure the squirrels into the trap are made with 100% organic, farm raised eggs, the metal for the switch blade that slits the squirrels’ throat when they’re going for the cupcake is made from recycled bottle caps and the traps themselves are assembled by homeless men, which provides much-needed employment opportunities for the north side—so it’s pretty much a win-win.”

After trapping the squirrels the group plans to hold seminars to teach students the best way to prepare and cook the animal.

“It took some prodding, but eventually OSD agreed to let us skin and dry our squirrels in AMU 221 at 7pm on Mondays,” John Hipper a member of the MHA executive board said. “I think they just realized that providing the Marquette community with responsible way to get meat really aligned with who we are as a Jesuit institution. I mean we have to protect our world and right now this is how we’re giving back and promoting real social justice and sustainability.”

The seminars will teach students how to skin, clean and fillet their squirrel, and will also feature recipes for squirrel stew, burgers and meatloaf.

“I think Ignatius would be proud,” Judy Turbo freshman in the College of Arts and Sciences said. “These kinds of efforts are exactly why I chose Marquette, and if sacrificing squirrels doesn’t reflect cura personalis, and what’s best about environmental stewardship I don’t know what does.”

Turbo says she hopes area geese will be the next target for the MHA.

“Geese meat is really tender, and I have a feeling a thick marinade would do those birds good,” she said.

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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Barack Obama named 23rd president of Marquette

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

WASHINGON, D.C.–In a bold move those on the left are calling inspiring and those on the right are calling Bolshevik, Barack Obama announced Tuesday that he will become the 23rd president of Marquette
University. Coming off a huge health insurance reform victory, Obama announced he will assume the role formerly held by Father Robert A. Wild, S.J. in July, 2011 during a joint, closed door meeting between his
cabinet and Marquette’s Board of Trustees.

As White House aides quietly muffled Vice President Joe Biden’s expletive-filled whispers of joy, Obama assured the Marquette community and the rest of the country during a live broadcast statement that he plans
to remain president of the United States while at the same time managing the university.

Obama promptly left the podium after his speech, but Senior White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stepped up to make some additional, unsolicited remarks.

“Heck, Barack practically put the ‘liberal’ in liberal arts, why shouldn’t he try his hand at managing a liberal arts university?” Gibbs said.

“As we all know, the president just has vision up the wazoo, so all of us here at the White House are confident he can lower tuition, raise GPAs, blow Marquette’s endowment through the roof and secure at least one celebrity transfer student to increase the school’s overall visibility.”

Gibbs noted that Obama is personally hoping for Justin Bieber to attend the school, but said nothing has been confirmed at this point. Additional forms of federal programming will be introduced and catered to Marquette including a “Fist-bumps for F’s” program, a Making Your Hook-up Affordable program and a bailout of the College of Communication Student Media boondoggle, to name a few.

The announcement unleashed a firestorm of controversy and media frenzy across the country. Tension from the announcement remains high throughout the Midwest, but particularly in the Milwaukee metropolitan area, which remains sharply divided along racial, political and religious lines.

“There’s just so much here, we reporters don’t even know where to begin,” said Tina Klapp, WTMJ 4’s chief White House correspondent. “I mean, half the city is beyond themselves, experiencing a sort of Baracknirvana,
while the other half is borderline suicidal/preparing to hide relatives from gas chambers and death panels.”

The question surrounding the Constitutional legitimacy of the president managing both the entire nation and a private, religiously affiliated university has been the chief talking point for pundits on both sides of the aisle.

“We as citizens have to ask, when will this monster that is the federal government and the executive stop pillaging our livelihoods and slaughtering our Founding Father’s legacy for this nation?” Tom Mason, chairman of the Tea Party of Milwaukee said.

Mason said he is in the process of organizing a beer dump in Lake Michigan in protest of the announcement.
“I think it’s outrageous that Marquette is standing for this, but Marquette doesn’t run Milwaukee, and as a citizen of this city, I won’t stand for it,” he said. “If lobbying the Pope proves ineffective and dumping massive amounts of Natty Light into Lake Michigan doesn’t work, I’ll be forced to move to Texas, to work for the succession movement there.”

Called on by members of his party to defend his honor and the liberal tradition of federal expansion, Obama sat down for a one-on-one interview with The Warrior to clear up the misconceptions about his new
position.

“The accusation that this is some sort of federal power play, is just ridiculous,” Obama said. “I’ve been thinking for some time that something like this would probably be a smart, more lateral career move,
but the timing just wasn’t right. But then when I heard about the position opening up at Marquette, I just knew I had to jump.”

Obama said the vetting process for the position was a bit more strenuous than the Democratic primaries in 2008, but said knowing that he is furthering the work of St. Ignatius of Loyola makes every heart
palpitation, sweat bullet and bit of uncertainty worth it.

“You think Bill O’Reilly looks scary? Enter Fr. Wild’s “No Spin Zone” and you’ll never be the same,” he said.

Marquette’s Presidential Search Committee said several things attracted them to Obama, but even above his devastatingly good looks, killer charm, brilliant oratorical skills, and national foreign policy expertise, the president’s biggest selling point was his superhuman fundraising abilities.

“The days of Harvard’s lead in endowment funds ends today,” said Chester Malone, chairman of
Marquette’s Board of Trustees. “We’ve got the master of fundraising now, suckas.”

Malone said the Board of Trustees plan to work with Obama to create a new “Fundraising Czar” and social media infrastructure, to incentivize Marquette students, alumni, faculty and staff to donate, or “tithe” at least 10 percent of their income to the school.

“At the very least, Obama will make donating to Marquette look super cool,” Malone said. “We’re planning on having him sign as much Marquette paraphernalia as possible, to auction off on eBay at ridiculously high prices.”

DISCLAIMER: This article is for The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition. This story does not accurately portray real events.

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Blatz Beer Column “Its like a hootinany in my mouth”: the New Glarus Unplugged Cherry Stout

Posted on 10 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

Let it be known from this day forward: fruit beers are no longer in the ‘girly drink’ category. Sure, there are some that are just terrible, cough- Lienenkugel’s Berry Weiss-cough, but let’s be real. We all like fruit. We all like its sweetness and juiciness, and it tastes great. So, let’s get beyond the stereotype that men are only allowed to drink things that are brown (beer, whiskey, tequila, etc), and pony up to one of the best beers I’ve had in a long while.

Among craft brewers and craft beer drinkers alike, the New Glarus brewery (brewmaster, Dan Carey) is widely known to produce arguably the best fruit beers in the world. Their Belgian Style Red is considered to be the top lambic (fancy name for fruit beer) on the planet. So, if we’re going to learn to start appreciating, nay, respecting fruit beer, what better brewery to start with than New Glarus. The Cherry Stout is a one of New Glarus’ ‘Unplugged’ brews. A few times a year, Carey decides to brew something a little experimental, a little crazy, and the results are typically astounding. For the Cherry Stout, Carey starts with a typical black stout aged in oak barrels, and then to that he adds obscene amounts of Montmorency cherries from Door County, WI.

Expect this beer to pour a deep red, and to have a wonderful aroma of cherries and oak wood. A small head will dissipate after a few minutes, but the beer will leave a nice lacing on your glass (a sure sign of a quality brew). The cherries overwhelmingly dominate the taste, but the stout offers a solid foundation for the cherries to rest upon. This is only a seasonal beer, and may never be brewed again, so pick some up while you can!

by David Kruse
david.kruse@mu.edu

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Swingin’ through the week Milwaukee Ale House offers dancing lessons

Posted on 10 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

It is Tuesday night, what are you doing? While some have meetings and homework, I chose to go swing dancing. The Milwaukee Ale House has swing dancing lessons on Tuesday nights starting at 8.

The lessons are lead by two people from the Jumpin’ Jive club in West Allis. They teach for an hour and then let people dance freely. For a whole night of dancing, it is only six dollars to dance until midnight. However if are under 21, you have to leave at 10 p.m. because the lesson take place in the bar area.

The night is structured that the leaders, usually the males, remain in place and they are paired up with a follower or female dance partner. Then, they begin to teach the basics and about every few minutes the females change partners and go to a new leader. This process continues for about an hour.

It can be a little awkward at times. Junior Kevin Menard of the College Business stated that, “My least favorite part of the experience was the people who were really good and would then become impatient when I was still learning.”

University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee student, Ross Hartwick concurred with Menard saying that, “Some of the people were arrogant and would not be patient even when I explained that it was my first time swing dancing.” At times, it can be awkward with height differences or try to communicate while learning the steps. It is a great time.

Law student, Andrew McDonald, said that he had a great time for friend’s birthday and enjoyed it a lot.
After that it became a more relaxed and free. This was my favorite part, and Hartwick and Menard would agree that meeting new people and being able to get out our own and try things was great.

Usually that meant you were able to just mess around with your friends and have fun and not worry as much about if you are doing it right. It takes a lot of pressure off of the leaders and they were
able to have a good time.

About an hour after that, they feature a birthday dance which is a round robin for one song. The leaders are given a chance to dance the birthday girl. The same goes for the birthday boys. (However at the time, there were only females.)

Therefore if you are looking for a good time on a Tuesday night, come down and enjoy a swingin’ night with friends.

by Amy Wilson
amy.wilson@mu.edu

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Drawing in students: Haggerty seeks to increase involvement with free art classes

Posted on 24 February 2010 by Warrior Staff

The Haggerty Museum of Art hosted a drawing workshop in the galleries Friday, the first of three free classes for Student Fridays taught by MIAD drawing major and alum Jeff Sama. Twenty to 30 Marquette students ranging in art experience sketched Thomas Woodruff’s “Freak Parade,” a travelling collection painted with vibrant pastels and translucent acrylics, lasting from Jan. 27- April 18.

Curator of Education Lynne Shumow, who has worked at the Haggerty for ten years, described Woodruff’s gallery as “celebrating the beauty in aberrance.” She explained its focus on the beauty in the difference of people. Woodruff, who took five years to complete the collection, used inspiration from his experiences and historical knowledge in painting his movie and circus posters. This is the Student Fridays’ second year at the Haggerty, Shumow said.

Drawing instructor Jeff Sama said he tries to create a relaxing environment during the classes. “My philosophy is keep everything low key and no stress. I joke around a lot,” drawing instructor Jeff Sama said. “My goal is to create an environment where their (students) brains are working a little differently then they usually
are throughout their day. Kids come in from all majors with little or no experience or with some experience, but I’m just showing them little things here and there… Then they can do it on the page, and it just activates that creative side that may not be working throughout their normal, everyday lives.”

The next two drawing classes in the Student Fridays series scheduled for Fridays Feb. 12 and 19 from 1 to 3 p.m., feature permanent collections “The Northern Masters,” prints by Bol, Durer, Goltzius, Saenredam and van Heemskerck, and “Old Master Paintings.” All students are welcome to come and go at their leisure with free admission and supplies. To register, contact Lynne Shumow at 414-288-5915 or lynne.shumow@mu.edu.

Students also have the opportunity to submit a maximum of two art pieces in any medium to be displayed on Student Fine Arts Night Wed March 3 from 6 to 8 p.m. The open art gallery will include free food, refreshments and live music. Students must submit their art by Feb. 24. Further art requirements are posted on the Haggerty’s Web site.

If you are interested in submitting work and do not know how to present your artwork for hanging and display, Haggerty preparator artist Dan Herro is going over different presentation methods at a workshop Feb. 12 from 3 to 4 p.m.

by Melanie Pawlyszyn
melanie.pawlyszyn@mu.edu

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